So my purpose in writing tonight: I was reading out of 2 Kings 4: 8-37. This is an incredible story that I vaguely remember but I love reading something and feeling like its the first time I’ve heard it. It makes me realize that there is always more to know about God- more to discover and see. He’s awesome.

This story moves me. I cried as I read this woman’s words: “Didn’t I tell you, ‘Don’t raise my hopes?”

I’m afraid of pain, of being hurt. Often I let it scare me from doing so many things because I’m frozen by fear. This woman is feeling afraid and frustrated and hurt. Her son that God blessed her with, she didn’t want to get her hopes up about, has died. I’m thinking she’s a little pissed. because this great desire of her heart, that she didn’t want to hope for was given to her but then was ripped away. Do you have a something like that in your life? Something that you long for so deeply and you’re afraid that once you actually get your hopes up about having it, its going to get ripped away?!

I fear that. There are a few things in my life currently that I’m afraid to trust God with. I’m afraid to get my hopes up and have them be ripped from my life. Does God work like that though? Who or what told me that He does?

This speaks loudly of distrust. Why distrust God? What happened that it got to this point of not being able to trust God with our deepest desires? He’s suppose to be the most reliable, most faithful, longest lasting, unchanging … What’s not to trust?!

my devotional The Message//Remix: Solo asks this question: “What might your life look like if you were to take God at His word, believing that he knows all about you and cares for you tenderly? How might you pray differently? Live differently?”

tell me your thoughts.

• my visit to Winona this past week— quality time with old friends that liked me even when I was so shy I never spoke words.
• eating at the Olive Garden with my family– the tiramisu dessert is the way to my heart. someone tell my boyfriend.
• shopping with my mom.
• reading good books, especially  Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.
• Laughing at Jenn and Brita
• deep conversations about spiritual matters with old friends
• driving my old little red neon
• continuing MN traditions with friends like eating at Khan’s Mongolian BBQ with Buffy
• laughing and talking with Paul– talking on the phone has never been my favorite but I’m learning to like it
• OPI’s “Got the blues about red”
• puppy chow
• realizing that life is Seattle is really good. Its always nice to have vacation but it feels good to miss it while I’m gone. That’s a good sign of good things.
• my excitement to return to Seattle– even though there are many things that are unknown and I miss my old school friends in MN, I am excited to get back. I’m feeling hopeful about my job situation and excited about my relationships in WA.

God has been so good to me. Blessed me with so much.

Being excited about life feels really good.

This picture was taken 3 years ago, before I became a real adult. It was my last hurrah before pretending to grow up.

Its really easy to get caught up in the mundane and monotony of life. I really believe its important to enjoy an “appropriate” amount of child-like exictement in every day things. So, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Black Hawk Down .

I cannot even sort of comprehend the sacrifice that many have made for our country. Veterans, I can’t wrap my brain around it and a “thank you” doesn’t say enough but a thank you is all I know. Today, I prayed that I might better understand that sacrifice that I too may show it to others in different ways throughout living and moving and breathing.

Thank you.

This month has practically flown by, so quickly, that I cannot believe that its almost June. Next month is going to be full of so many things: birthdays, start of summer, the sun, summer camp, visitors… I always thought when i was older that life would slow down. ha. What a joke. I wonder if life slows down when you turn 70….

So lately, I’ve honestly and truly tried to be more intentional about considering my part in situations. I’ve also tried to ask myself the question, “how do I need to humble myself in this situation?” Its been incredible the results that I’ve received from taking this position, in love. My words are better received. My attitude in saying them is right and good and loving. I am able to see myself clearly without self-depreciating. Its incredible the way that EVERYTHING changes when I take on an attitude of humility.

Today, I spoke at the Christian school chapel to all the kids. I spoke about Christ’s humility. I was amazed at what God was showing me in it- and thankful that Christ set an example. We don’t ever have to wonder ”how humble do i need to be.” Jesus painted a pretty clear picture. Thank God!

How easy it is to get all “puffed up” with pride about so many different things. Yet we do not compare to the GREATNESS that is Jesus and He never chose to be puffed up, not once.

I think for a long time I was pretty disappointed with how thing had started while I was in Seattle, WA. I knew that this whole adventure wasn’t going to be easy but I don’t think I imagined how hard it would be either. I think I assumed that with the many people around me, that I knew, things would be fun and easier than I thought. I’m sure they were easier than if I’d been all on my own. Yet, it didn’t take away some of difficulties with my job at Target, nor the lack of other friends, or my insecurities of life and ministry, etc…. There was so much that I still remained to be a struggle. I think it was in those moments that I really had to ask myself “What is God up to?” I definitely didn’t always phrase it that way. In fact, I was probably pretty upset at times when I asked that question.

Yet, i was reading this book Walking with God , and Eldgredge says something that really made sense. After we deal with the assumptions and really look at what God is up to here is the hope amidst the difficulty:

“God has something in mind. he is deeply and personally committed to restoring humanity. Restoring you. He had a specific man or woman in mind when he made you. By bringing you back to himself through the work of Jesus Christ, he has established relationship with you. And now, what he is up to is restoring you…All of the other things we long for in life– love and friendship, freedom and wholeness, clarity of purpose, all the joy we long for– it all depends on our restoration. You can’t find or keep good friends while you are still an irritating person to be around. And there is no way love can flourish while you are still controlling. You can’t find your real purpose in life while you’re still slavishly serving other people’s expectations of you. You can’t find peace while you’re ruled by fear. You can’t enjoy what you have while you’re envying what the other guy has. On and on it goes (pg20)….”

I think this is basically telling us that its the transformation and restoration that God wants to see in our life and bring to fruition is a process. It won’t be an easy one but in the long run, its going to be a supremely beautiful one.  There is so much in this world that threatens to steal, kill, and destroy but we have hope because:

Christ has come that we may have life and life to the full–John 10:10

So there is hope my friends. God is up to something awesome and incredible, no matter what place we find ourselves in today. No matter the things we wrestle or wade through, God is up to something. Lets look for it, and fix our eyes on the movement of His presence in anticipation!

This time in life for students is difficult. There is so much that they’re trying to figure out. Often they are incredibly misunderstood. I think that often this time of life is so difficult that many people once they’ve finished with it, never look back. Yet, these years are so formative in students’ lives that knowing God and pursuing Him in this time is VITAL. Things are changing left and right for students. They wrestle with friendships, identity, truth, pressure, expectations, and the list goes on.

So how do we minister to this age group?! How do we show them that despite all the things around them that they don’t understand and that don’t make sense- there is something that remains strong and true through it all? How do we show them  that they are loved unconditionally? How do we make them aware of the consequences of the things they do and no matter the consequence, they’ll be ok because God is faithful? How do we show them? How do you continue to teach that and to remind them of that when there is so much that we’re so incredibly unaware of in their lives?

I’m afraid that I’m missing something vital in my ministry right now. I desperately want to be building this strong beautiful relationships with them, so that they’ll hear me when I say that God is faithful and He loves them. That nothing else matters in this world besides God, and that seeking His face first is SO worth the efforts. How do I help them know this?

I’m struggling so much myself and I don’t have it all together. Often, I haven’t a clue what to do and often I am making it up as I go along because I don’t know how to prepare myself for those moments when kids aren’t remembering and they’re lost. They’re messed up in sins and sadness and identity crisis’. How do I point them to the truth?

Youth ministry is hard. There is so much that we forget about those years in our lives. Sometimes they’re the years we never want to face again. I’ve been there. I’m so thankful that I don’t have to go to high school again. I wasn’t a fan, yet how do I encourage those that are in it…

I’ve been thinking a lot in brief moments of vacancy; ie. walking from the van to the house, walking down the steps in my house, pacing in the living room, etc….

I just was remembering a story about a kid that a good friend of mine used to babysit. This was years ago and we used to laugh so hard to remember the story. The kid was listing off the things that she didn’t like. She said something like I hate peas, boogers, and sacrifices. ha. Even at the young age of like 8 years old, a kid understands the difficulty of sacrifices. haha.

Thursday afternoons I get the great privelege to lead a Bible study with 4 high school girls. They’re really great and I love chatting with them, even when they struggle to stay on topic. like a lot. We are studying the attributes of God. This past week, we talked about faithfulness. We were studying the passage in Genesis that tells the story of Abraham and Isaac. I’ve heard this story millions of times, heard sermons, blah blah blah…. I haven’t stopped thinking about the story since our study. One of the questions that I asked the girls was

            “How would you feel about this story if Isaac had actually been killed?”

I’ve been thinking on this in brief moments in my day- and today  I was just profoundly aware that even if Isaac had died, the level of God’s faithfulness would NOT have changed. He is still faithful. His faithfulness would have just looked differently. Maybe He would have provided something else for Abraham and his wife. I don’t know. That’s the mystery of God, I guess we don’t really need to wonder what would change if these stories didn’t end the way we think they should. Sometimes life is like that, isn’t it?! Sometimes things happen in the ways we wish they didn’t but you just have to embrace what is— and see God at work. Because no matter what happens in life, no matter the consequences, or endings of parts of our story, God is still God. He still is every bit of who He says He is. Because He is true to His Word. He hasn’t changed or moved away, etc…. He still is every bit of who He says He is, no matter the ways our life twist and turns. That’s beautiful and sometimes hard for me to swallow. Because just like sacrifices, it takes a lot to live that and believe it. It goes against what is natural but it feels so right, doesn’t it?