Tired Vessel

Ok, I’m writing for a 2nd time in one week. This is incredible improvement from my not writing for 2 months or whatever. Someone should give me a cookie as positive reinforcement.

Today was a rough day. I actually didn’t sleep for 1 minute last night and had to be up at 5:15am to get ready for work. I had a “decaf” latte at Starbucks last night and I’m pretty sure the evidence shows it was NOT decaf. Anyway. After not sleeping and getting myself so worked up about it, I made myself sick and was planning on staying home from work but then decided to try and push myself through the nausea and go to work. It was hard and by 10:30am, I thought I might die from lack of sleep. (ok, i’m being dramatic but I felt like that).  So I rode the bus home which was the longest bus ride ever because I kept falling asleep and a bump in the road would startle me awake or my head would whip around. Anyway. I crashed in my wonderous bed for a few hours. I had an appointment in the early evening which was going to take a 40 minute bus ride. Let me tell you- getting up from my nap was awful and I had the most sour of moods. The attitude within my heart and coming from my mouth was disgusting. Yet God continues to show me that his love is good and enough for me. Sometimes, well most times,  i forget. Yet, as I rode the bus, I got to see the most beautiful sunset with pinks and purples and blues and white whispy clouds and cold fresh air. It all sat along the tops of the mountains. BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!! I teared up a little just thinking about how God must really love me despite all my ugly to share with me something so beautiful. I was reminded of how as a younger girl, I always wanted to live in a place where I could wake up and see the mountains. Well, I can see them in the mornings while I ride the bus as the sun rises. Who knew that God would satisfy the smallest of wishes or dreams. God is good and faithful and loving, even to me.

I am the daughter of the Most High King. I am loved. I am treasured. I am delighted in. I am forgiven. I am significant. I am a saint. I am loved.

Father Time steals our days like a thief

Time keeps on flying by. Sometimes I have these brief moments where I stop and breathe and I realize that I actually live in Seattle. I think I forget sometimes. Yet, there is sooo much that is continually happening that makes me realize how purposed it is that we’re all here.

For a long time I’ve been struggling with work. I struggle with feeling content, with allowing God to use me, with being joyful in daily living. I struggle. I cry and I struggle. I have a hard time seeing my work as ministry. I can’t see purpose only struggle and bad and frustration and stress. Yet, God is continuing to work on my heart and in my life. Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me.

Lately I’ve been having AMAZING conversations with people. Its so weird because I don’t even initiate them. It all stems from people wanting a better explanation of why i moved here. Then these God filled, spiritual, deep conversations flow and they’re so easy. I don’t even understand it sometimes.

last week, i had this great conversation with a co-worker about spirituality. It was very interesting but sadly interupted with work things. But, i know that conversation is not done especially since my co-worker’s last statement was- “I used to be religious once, for a short time.” He’s begging for me to ask about it. I just know it.

Anyway. The holiday season has begun for Target. Tomorrow i work 3:30 to 12:00am. which is crazy but with later hours, I have to work later. So pray that I can somehow manage rides and what not from work. Since that late at night is some what sketchy.

Though, this past weekend, I took a self defense class which has left me feeling very empowered. I pray that I never have to use the techniques and skills learned in this class but thank God that I know something to defend myself. My mother would be so proud.

One of my most recent discoveries about myself: I really enjoy the early morning quietness. Right now, I enjoy sleep too much to actually choose to wake up early and enjoy that quiet unless I’m on my way to work. Yet, i think when I’m older, I’ll be one of those old ladies that takes walk early in the morning. I just love it. I feel like I’m still half asleep enough for my mind to be blank enough that just breathing in and out is enough. Or listening to my ipod and staring at the sunrise just at the tops of the mountains off in the distance and I just praise Jesus for life and music and beauty and friends and laughter. My mind is so empty and peaceful. I love it. Lately,I’ve been listening to Jon Foreman in the morning. His music is good and quiet enough that I still can be mellow in my morning half asleepness.

“The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you’ve found

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong”   — Jon Foreman “Your Love is Strong.”