well. its my birthday. yup. for real. It seems like any other day but I’m receiving a lot more attention, which quite happily I’m enjoying. Its pretty hilarious how shy I used to be when I love attention so very much. I keep trying to have birthday thoughts. You know the thought where you think over your life and what not. Well I don’t really have those yet. I thought I was going to have a hard time telling people how old I was. Not that I’m old. I’m very young yet. Its just weird because when I was a little kid I never thought about being this old. You only really think about the years that are the most important like 16, 18, 21… I just didn’t really see that much farther beyond those ages. As a kid I had my life all planned. At 25, I get married. At 27, i start having kids… and then by 32 i could settle in. But i definitely realize that planning life like that doesn’t really work. Yet in a child’s mind, it seems crazy not to. Anyway. I’m glad for the placces I’ve gone in my life. I’m happy and thankful. things haven’t always worked out the way I hoped they would. They just don’t. I don’t think we ever can get ourselves to stop planning our lives or creating some sort of expectations. Yet, i am loved. I do love. God has me. I have purpose in life. Its all good. happy birthday to me. I have an awesome life.
Archive for June, 2008
Days of Birth and what not…
We leave in less than a month. I’ve started to say some goodbyes as I end my time at Target, here in Winona. It’s hard. Tomorrow is my last day- I know its not the last time I’ll see people, but maybe it is. I guess its making me analyze my moments with people. What will be my lasting impression for them? Was I someone that did their job well and worked hard? What do they really remember about me? I don’t know that I really opened myself up enough to allow people into my life as much as I have in the past, especially when it pertained to my personal life. I guess in leadership things really do get lonely, even if it isn’t a place of spiritual leadership. I just never recognized that.
Last weekend, we had our special dessert night with Gary Irby. It was great. Each step of this process reaffirms what I’m doing. There is something that beats deeply in my soul that knows this is right and good and holy. It’s so amazing to me that despite the things in life that threaten to ware us and destroy us- there still remains a part, maybe so deep within that can be awoken from the smallest of voices.
I saw The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian earlier this week… LOVED IT. There was a part in the movie that talked about how Aslan had been gone for so long and the trees (oh I love trees) had gone so far deep within themselves that everyone though they were gone or dead. I am a tree. All it took to waken them was one loud roar from Aslan. I love the symbolism. Way to go C.S. Lewis! Seriously.
I feel as if this whole process of moving and transitioning out of this transition stage is going to be the way in which God would “roar” into my life. I’m beginning to understand more clearly the sacrifice it takes to follow God’s voice and plan for life. It’s not easy. There are definitely some great “perks” along the way but I don’t think we should ever fool ourselves into thinking its easy. It almost cheapens the beauty of the journey if we do that.
Something that Gary Irby said the other night really has stuck with me. He presented at our dessert night here in Winona last weekend. It was awesome. He gave some really great statistics that kinda spoke loud and clear to me. He said that there are about 4-5 million people in Seattle. So perhaps if we started 1000 churches in Seattle that has 1000 people in attendance, that is only 1 million people. There are so many lives that are still in need to be touched. That moved me. Our call is to reach out to the world and share with them the hope of Christ. There are so many that need to hear the truth and I know that God has called me to that.
Wow life is crazy fun.
—— Since writing this post I finished my time at my job here in Winona. I am glad for the break and not having anywhere to go besides what I need to finish up around town here and spend time with people (family, friends, etc…)
I also did decide to transfer to the store in Seattle. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I still struggle with the idea of taking a job because its logically right and it makes me feel less afraid of the move, rather than really feeling like I should do it. I guess I just haven’t really allowed myself to think if God has called me to this place and so I must wrestle through it. I don’t know. I trust God. I believe He has my best at heart.
That is the saying on the back of the work shirt I’ve been wearing. People keep saying to me, “wow, what a powerful statement.” I just keep thinking about people and what that statement says; the attitude towards people. There is care, compassion, and dedication. Yet, often when I look at my attitude on a day to day level, some times it is soo far from that. I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling!
I just keep thinking though of people describing me in the past of “loving- big.” I used to be so huge into loving people. I love to love. I care deeply. Even though its hard and sometimes scary, I love to love deeply and care profounding for others.
Yet my prayer these last few days is that I would love like Christ. Not this human love that is so minimal and falls so far short of the marker- but a rock your world kind of love that Christ has shown me.
In one of Paul’s books he talks about loving his brother so much that he would be cut off from Christ for the sake of them to know Christ. How deep is that kind of love. That is some serious love that is far beyond our selfish, human love. I wanna love like that. Serious, self-sacrificing, rock your world kind of love.
