love.

I really like this picture of me. My eyes are smiling my mom would say. She always told me she  never liked pictures of me unless my eyes are smiling, then she knows that they’re genuine and real. Not the fake smiles. Those seem so easy to give to the world.

I realized something this weekend. I spent some time with some good friends up in St. Paul. Some friends hosted me and a few others at their amazing downtown apartment with a beautiful view. I felt cool there. I was also really excited because I got a new digital camera a few months ago and haven’t had a lot of reason to use it, so i finally was going to have a chance. I don’t often take a ton of pictures and I never knew why until now… If I’m the one taking the pictures all the time, when will i ever get my picture taken? Of the 50 photos I took this weekend, only like 8 were of me. I know, I know. that seems selfish, but I like to have my picture taken.

I’ve also been realizing a few things. I’ve been a Christian for quite awhile. I acknowledge the Lord as my Savior at a the young age of 5. I recommitted my life at the age of 12. Since then, I’ve strived to love God, to know Him, and to be known by Him. One thing I’ve always questioned though is the difference of my relationship with Him, than the story of someone who encountered God later in life. Or my story in comparison with someone who has a dark tainted past. I don’t know. I just felt that they were always so much better at understanding grace than me. In the last 6 years since I moved to Winona, God has been showing me and teaching me a lot of new things about grace and faith and truth. It’s been incredible but still i go back to this thought that I don’t quite grasp some of the most key ideas of faith in Jesus like someone else might. ( personally, I want to tell myself to stop comparing myself to others, how annoying).

One of the incredible blessings in my life right now, is this Bible study I am in at church. Its the Experiencing God study by Henry Blackaby. I love it. Its incredible to me how basic truths and concepts like these are speaking so deeply to my heart. God is at work in my life. In this study there a few things that have really hit me hard but one of them is the continual reminder that the love relationship with God cannot be avoided or neglected. This relationship affects my Spiritual walk directly. This seems like basic common sense, but this study is really making me evaluate how I see this relationship. I know that in the past a lot of my relationship with God has been out of duty, obligation, expectation. Sometimes things are like that but ultimately you do all of that stuff, out of LOVE. That love relationship is so important.  God pursues a continuing love relationship with me that is real and personal. I believe that in my head but too many times my life reflects some other belief. Our actions show our belief. I desperately want to act on my belief in my continuing love relationship with God. Sometimes though I act like that love relationship ended or got lost or was abandoned or not good enough- no way! Its a continuing love relationship that is REAL and PERSONAL. It’s continuing on.

God. loves. me.

Romans 8: 35-39 “Nothing can seperate me from the love of Christ.”

So what does a real and personal continuing love relationship look like? What does it take? What is needed to nurture that relationship so that it may flourish? What am I willing to give it? Where is my heart need molding and restoration? What truths am I desperately in need of knowing or reminding?

the details.

 

the details are starting to freak me out. I’m a worrier. Yea, I’ll admit it. I am. I worry like crazy. I’m sort of a control freak in a hidden unknown kind of way. right? Anyway. The details of how I’m going to move, where I’m going to move to, the monies I’m going to make, etc… The details are getting a little scary. My parents are starting to ask how things are going to work and what will happen. “How will you support yourself?” “What is your plan?” I’m afraid that I haven’t thought far enough in advance, i haven’t figured enough out. I’m too much of a crazy worrier to be in this place. Yet i know that it is right.

I had this weird thought the other week that convinced me so surely that Seattle was right. There are a lot of reasons why I’m going to Seattle. The biggest one is that I know that God has called me. The thing is that I was having a hard time really assure people that I know that is the truth. Yet, the other day I was talking to my roommate Shelli about this pull I had on my heart to go to Mexico and serve, just based on a testimony I heard from a missionary. Yet, I knew I wasn’t suppose to go to Mexico but to Seattle- the reason was, the only reason I felt ok with the idea of going to mexico and leaving all the things I know is because of Seattle, because of what it has brought out in me. It’s pretty exciting to think of how much more there is to come out of me. I love that God does those cool things.

I consciously have to choose to trust that God wants to guide me and be my map.

Don’t waste your life

 

Well, tonight I had the great priviledge of going to see IRON MAN. It was a sneak preview or something tonight. It was fantastic. I’m saying now, that if anyone i know reads this- I’ll go with you to the movie. I just loved it. So without giving away all the great and beautiful details, I’ll just leave you with one line from the movie that seriously touched me. I cried a little. ok, quite a bit. For some reason this line in the movie just had a huge effect on me.  Maybe its because I’m tired, getting sick…whatever excuse will make me seem less weird. So getting back to the line from the movie. One of the characters said, “Don’t waste your life.” Let me just say that the context of the line makes it profoundly beautiful and incredibly touching. So go see the movie. I love it.

It really moved me though. I started thinking about how desperately I want to do the will of God. I keep asking God what His will is for my life. I keep wondering and being confused and feeling lost in a sea of possible answers. Maybe because I partly feel so lost, I justify my really getting lost in the things that are distracting and demanding of my time that really aren’t deserving of it. I feel as though I’ve “lost that lovin’ feeling.” I’ve gotten so caught up on all the do’s and don’t and should’s, that I’ve forgotten who God is and what he ultimately comes down to- Its all about love. His love for me is what draws me to love Him. I forgot or got lost or something.

This movie for some reason just really made it so very fresh for me, once again, that deep love that God has for me. It’s almost like He says to us… Look what I’ve done for you, I’ve sacrificed my son. I’ve given you new life, new chance. Now, “Don’t waste your life.” Ok, ok.

So if I’ve learned anything from my Bible study “Experiencing God,” then I know that I I need to make some major adjustments. Am I right? Of course right. Now- i must determine what those changes will be….