Money doesn’t grow on this tree

Money. It’s a somewhat new concern for me. The Lord has blessed me a lot in life. I’ve never worried about money as much as I am now. Every time I mention to someone else that I’m moving to Seattle, all they can talk about is how expensive it will be. Yea, I know its going to be expensive. Life is going to be different. My budget will be different. Yet, I really don’t want money to be such a worry. I know that it’s important to be smart and prayerful when it comes to money. I desire so much to be able to fully trust God in this area of life. This is a place of trusting God I haven’t often been in before.

I know that if God does desire for me to be in Seattle, He’ll provide. The only thing is… I’m starting to think about jobs. What job should I have? The job that I currently have in Winona doesn’t require a college degree. Yet, I have one. So maybe I should really think about using it or at least allowing myself to benefit from having a degree. I could maybe support myself more. I just wonder though, what kind of sacrifices God might ask of me to be able to support myself. Do you have to take a job that might make you miserable? that you won’t absolutely love? Now, I know everyday in a job you love isn’t going to be perfect, but in a job you love, there are days that bless you and make you remember that even in a bad day there is a purpose for being in that place.

There is such a tension for me between being logical and doing what will make you the happiest. I know very clearly that you can’t follow every whim. Its important to be smart and make good Godly decisions. Yet sometimes its hard to know if just being so smart and being logical makes you more miserable and discontent in life than is necessary. I just feel like God would want to give us opportunity to really enjoy life, working in a place that our strengths are greatly exposed and built upon; not necessarily a job that makes you the big bucks, dominates your life, you hate doing it, and you don’t find yourself successful. I don’t know. The tension is high. Somepeople say that sometimes life is about work and you just get through it with the joy of God and then have the fun extras on the side… but seriously, do you have to just get through work? Can’t you really really love it? Can’t you really feel effective, useful and happy because of what you do?

sickness of the nose

Well, I am sick. I’m a lousy sick person. I complain. I whine. I cry. I’m lazy. I’m cranky. I’m rude. I’m judgemental. I’m weak. I’m unforgiving. I’m irritable. I’m unrealistic. Let’s be honest. Being sick is the pits. It stinks, sometimes literally. It brings out the worst in me. I keep coming back to these thoughts of ” how could anyone love me in this state?” I’m not easy to love. That is true. Yet, I still have people in my life who want to be there for me, who want to support, who want to show their concern and care in my time of weakness. All I keep thinking though, is that this time is happening for a reason. I don’t know if its a blessing from God, a time of rest or what. Like I’ve said before, I don’t always understand how God works– but even in this time of feeling like a piece of garbage, God has remained. His significance in my life still remains. My love for Him still resides deep within my soul. No matter the state of my body, or the thoughts of my mind- God is still God and I still call him MY KING. He hasn’t changed. He didn’t go anywhere.

In acknowledging other areas of life (outside of my current flu), sometimes I get so caught up in me and the way I live my life. Similar to the way I would describle myself in a state of sickness. (is this getting confusing for anyone else?) Anyway. I forget that God still remains and my view is so tainted by my ugliness that I think that God only sees me in that way too- but that is so untrue. God does see my sin, probably even more clearly than I do, but I am His child. His daughter. I think I forgot. So even when the worst of me is more apparent , God still desires to be close to me. He loves me. He is my friend. He is my father. Even in the ugliness, I chose Him. and I’ve already been promised that He chose me.