DO YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN MY FAVORITE COLORS WAS PINK AND GREEN?
yes i do.
So everyone keeps asking for the pink. “where’s the pink, Sam?” they ask. And you know what I tell them?
The pink design stinks. So i’m not using it. I just found this green tree one which I think may be more perfect than ever- and its a little more cheerful right?
I don’t know understand God some days, maybe most days. I don’t know if its because I’ve gotten too caught up in things of the world or in living life or trying to do things right, but I’m continuely confused at some of the ways that God is at work. You know what, maybe its me looking for God in all of the small things too intricately- looking for reason and why in the dumbest of moments- like my car not starting this snowy Sunday morning when I’m already 10 minutes late to church. What could be the reason? Doesn’t GOd use even those small moments to teach us something, to bring about something inside of us? Or is that moment just life happening and it just happened to be on a Sunday morning before church when I’m running late?
I think maybe I analyze it too much that maybe God isn’t saying a whole lot of profound things in this one little morning of no car. Maybe its just to appreciate the things you have in life. Or maybe its be patient even when it doesn’t make sense. Make the most of the time, even if you’re not at church? I don’t know. I’m probably looking at life a little too much like a test that I have to pass, and either get an “A” or an “F” and part of me is afraid of both sides of the grading scale. One brings the idea of being a failure the other brings the idea of pressure for more perfection both of which, I don’t want.
So what I actually took from this morning… I need to make the best of my time. Spend some quality time with God as I sip on some good coffee. Resting in His truth, rejoicing in the gifts I’ve been given ( like cars, even if they don’t work), and just breathe.
I struggle with words. Often because I feel as if my knowledge of the English language fails me and makes it difficult to feel as though I’ve expressed myself. I get lost in trying to be impressive sometimes, as if my written word, which sounds more like me talking, can’t sound very educated. I’m smart though. Maybe not in the ways I hope to beor the ways I should be, but I am. Besides, sometimes God throws in a bit of wisdom for me to share with others.
Well, song lyrics are good stuff. Lately, I’ve been listening to the musical stylings of Elizabeth Hunnicutt. Especially her song “With Only You.”
” Every new day brings a new surprise. A new horizon and a new set of eyes. And sometimes I can see the sun is rising. And all is right. And there are days when living is a fight. And trying hard I try to close my eyes. And fade out of the sadness and the loneliness. In my life. With every breath I take I want to live this life. And every day I get I want to use this time. And everywhere I go I want to be just fine with only you….”
These lyrics have spoken deeply to me each day, whether I”m driving home or to work. I end up singing this song pretty much all day. I love it. I think what I love so much is that its so real about the toughness of life. I love the line about “living is a fight.” I can feel that often in this place that I’m in, but something I’m starting to realize is that I can’t focus on that line alone. I get too caught up in the tough, rough, and sad when there is so much GOOD! BECAUSE I have Christ within me.
Tonight I started reading this book called, Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist. I’ve only read like 20 or so pages, but I love it because she says in the beginning of the book how she was tired of looking at all the “pessimism and grimness (pg. 9) She says “I need optimism and celebration and hope in the face of violence and despair and anxiety. And because the other road is a dead end. Despair is a slow death….” SO TRUE.
I am desperate for some celebration. I know there is so much woundedness in the world. But there is hope. I love that word hope. Its like one of the best things ever.. HOPE. Christ is our hope. ” And hope does not disappoint for God has poured his love into our hearts.”
I want to hope.
So, I changed the design of my blog. Pink… its me. I love pink. I can’t deny it any longer. This coming from the girl who wouldn’t wear dresses and didn’t own any pink clothes until later in high school when I finally gave in after all my mom’s comments on how pretty pink would look with my skin tone. Well here it is, my blog, pink, in all it beaut. Love.
I’m writing here tonight because I want to, not because Shelli has asked me a few times when I will write in my blog again.
I have a lot of thoughts that I wish to write down but still have some thinking do to on them, so for now, I’ll share a few brief thoughts I’ve had recently. So this entry will be a bit scattered.
Today at work there was an older man in a wheel chair being pushed by someone I will assume is his son. These people didn’t look particularly happy but as usual, I smile at just about anyone that I make eye contact with. The minute I looked at this man in the wheel chair, as he wheeled up to the checkout lane, he began mutter and talking like he hadn’t talked in days, to anyone. He blurted out all these thoughts and memories so quickly in the time span of maybe 2 minutes. I don’t know if because of his current health/age he did this or if he was just thirsty for some attention. I was just amazed today at how desperate this man seemed for just a few minutes of my attention telling me memories of the Vietnam war, how old he was, what he was doing etc… It seems like verbal vomit and I was slightly overwhelmed but something just made my heart melt a little, so i started to pray for him. Just asking God to bless him and touch his heart and bring his family/friends close around him. There are so many people walking around just in our current area of influence that are desperate for some attention. Some demand it, others pretend to hate it, but they are desperate. It really is beautiful that God made us in a way to be in relationship, sometimes I wish we tried to be more filled in relationship with Him rather than with others. We rely on others way too much sometimes.
Also with this experience, I think of prayer. Prayer is so powerful but something that I hardly take advantage of because I don’t always know how to pray. Yet lately, I feel like God is really trying to show me the power of prayer even small silly ones like mine. He’s really convicted me about the time I spend in prayer and the things I pray for. I’m selfish. really selfish. So I’ve committed myself to praying for a friend of mine overseas, every single day. This is a lofty goal but I love that it gets me to stop thinking of my own requests and think of others’. Anyway.
These are basic thoughts but ones that I’ve been contemplating in between chatting with co-workers, stocking shelves and being a “babysitter.”
