Life is about a series of moments… June 17, 2009

When I was in college, I reached a point in life when I was really enjoying life. So many amazing, wonderful, and beautiful things were happening in my life. They were having a profound effect on my perspective of life and as each great thing happened I wanted to take these moments in and appreciate them fully as God would want. I started writing down these specific moment in life that filled my heart so greatly. As I wrote them, I included these miniscule details so that I could fully capture the moment for what it was. I thought that by writing them i could remember them and the way I felt in them, the way I saw God in them, the perspective I had of myself in them. I wanted to continually be encouraged and renewed as I remembered the beauty of life in those moments.

Well, yesterday I got “roped” in to going white water rafting. Being adventureous scares me. There is something deep in my soul that desires to be pushed but often I wrestle with my own fear and insecurity. I sat wrestling with the idea of going when someone said something to me along the lines of “Sam, life is a series of moments. You need to take this opportunity.” At the time, I hated them for this but today as I sat in the raft, freezing and trying to think warm, lovely thoughts I was overwhelmed by many moments. Many of my most memorable moments have been ones of adventure where I step out even in fear to see beauty in the midst. I sat in the raft watching the water rush about me. It was beautiful and I had this thought that I wanted to yell. God already conquered this. He conquered this water. Jesus walked on water. There is nothing in this world that God is not able to conquer. I don’t need to be afraid. I immediately thought of all the moments when I worry about what others think of me or what they’ll say about me— It doesn’t matter. Jesus conquered that- He lived as He was called to despite what others thought of him or said about him. His reputation wasn’t always seen within the greatest light but still He was satisfied he was fullfilled in moment after moment. I want that. I long for that. I pursue that freedom and the beauty of those series of moments in life of adventure, the conquering of fears and the praising of God’s victory in my life.

Back Again… June 15, 2009

An insanely inappropriate number of days has passed since my last post. I have a few goals for the summer and one of them is to start writing here more consistently. My other goals:

• to make a summer reading list
• to make a summer movie list
• to be outside often

I haven’t thought of these goals much this last week because i was previous unemployed and had plans of spending much of the summer in coffee shops searching for the “perfect” job, or at least the right job. About 3 weeks ago, I put my two weeks in at Target and decided that it was time to take a leap of faith. I’ll admit I was scared. I knew that this phase in my life was going to test my trust in the Lord and who He is. I was also desperately praying that God would rekindle some flame in my heart that had been burnt out. So last monday I started my officially unemployed life. I got up at 8am (thanks to Averi). I went to Starbucks (yum!) and began planning for the next two months of potential unemployment. I ran some errands, ate some lunch, then returned to Starbucks to soon receive a call from a friend who had heard of a potential job opening…. So today is a week later and I am starting my new job on Wednesday. Its a summer job working for a day camp with kids K-6th. What a blessing! I was hesitant to pursue this job because it seemed way too easy! I was planning on struggling and crying out for God to provide a job I could love yet once again God provided in a way I never imagined. I am so thankful. I am very excited about starting work  and am looking forward to what God has instore for me this summer.

There has really been a reoccurring theme in my life recently. It revolves around embracing life. I really feel like the last bit of life has really been about getting through rather than really living. Last night at corporate worship we were singing the song “My Savior Lives.” I started to wondering if I really believed that. I know that it true with my head but I’m not sure that I really live that way. I just don’t think that life is about just getting by- I know that it was meant to REALLY be lived. I want to see that in my life. So I’m praying too that this summer would be about rekindling that flame within me. I know that God had created me to love and LOVE BIG and to be filled with joy and to overflow, but somewhere along the way I got into this mode of doing the minimum and having to suffer my way through. I don’t think God intends for things to be that, at least not for me. I want to be someone who barfs joy on the world (in a good way). I want to be exploding with it. Exploding with love and good things that draw people into the good of God.

January 9, 2009

 

Only Grace” by Matthew West
From the album “History”

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it’s clear

There’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy and believe me it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there’s nothing left now
There’s only grace

You’re starting over now
Under the sun
You’re stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there’s only grace
There’s only love
There’s only mercy and believe me…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there’s nothing left now
There’s only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again

was listening to my ipod today on the bus. and fighting to not fall asleep. You know what I noticed though, A LOT of people fall asleep on the bus at that hour. For like 2 minutes, I watched something like 5 or 6 people bobb their heads because they were falling asleep. It can’t be helped. Anyway. After I got off the bus, I was walking to our house and was trying to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. I was still very disoriented from my exhausted state. I started focusing on the words of the song playing in my ears… It was this song “Only Grace.” There are so many people that I wish that I could explain plainly to them grace. That they could understand because too often I watch people live in guilt or shame. They beat themselves up for not being good enough– but honestly, grace is enough. It covers all. There is only love. I just think of some people in my life who think so little of themselves because they see through critical, shameful, broken eyes. The truth is – there is love, grace, mercy… and it is enough.

Merry Seattle Christmas December 22, 2008

 

 

 

So, its been snowing like crazy the last few days. Its looking more like MN here than WA. I kinda like it but Seattle surely doesn’t handle the snow the way a MN town would. They don’t own enough plows in this place to take care of this. Also, they don’t salt the roads because of the salmon. So its a little bit crazy here. Anyway.

Merry Christmas folks.

Dreams December 17, 2008

This is me, before the ballet. I really like the ballet. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I would. I sort of imagined myself bored but it really was incredible.  We saw “The Nutcracker.” The music and the dancers were wonderful and it was just a beautiful experience.  The whole story really had me thinking about dreams. The dream of this little girl in the show is full of colors, good and evil, and all these beautiful, graceful, powerful parts and ideas. It was just so great. I started thinking about my own dreams.

It also happens that I’m reading a book called “The Blue Bottle Club.” This story also includes the apspirations and dreams of young women who desire so much and have such hope for the future but sometimes the story doesn’t always work that way.  There are hard parts that ask for obedience and endurance. Painful parts which ask for strength and hope. The are good parts that ask for patience and joy. So much more happens beyond the dream or hope for the future.

I read this bit in “The Blue Bottle Club.” It says, ” The dream itself is the gift, you see– not necessarily the fullfillment. The dream, the longing for something outside ourselves, something greater and finer and nobler, is put into our hearts and souls by God who loves us. The dreams we’re aware of keep us reaching, give us hope, provide a goal to strive for. Whether or not they’re ever fulfilled, the serve their purpose. Dreams are like love. Love is never lost, even if it goes unrequited. For the very experience of loving make us tenderer, better people, more capable of receiving and appreciating God’s love.”

This reminds me of the hope that I have in life. Sometimes it feel too easy to be frustrated and dissatisfied with life because of where God has provided a job for me. I wish so desperate for something else, something new. Yet, God is really showing me that my dreams for something more are beautiful and they’re good but right now, this place is a part of filling a dream that maybe I can’t quite see yet or can’t understand the importance of this part of the journey.

I’m so thankful God hasn’t given up on me and my dreams.

Psalm 23 December 9, 2008

I’ve loved Psalm 23 for a long time. I’m not sure when my obssession with it began but it has continued for atleast the last 4 years, which for me is pretty huge. For one, as a believer who grew up going to church, I used to see some of the classic “well-known” passage of the Bible as typical and unmoving. Yet, this passage has played a vital role in my relationship with God in the last few years and has drastically changed my perspective of the Lord in great ways.

I have decided recently to start studying this passage more indepth. I have reserved multiple commentaries and other books from the library revolving this passage and have begun to re-read a book recommended to me a few years ago called “A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23,” by Phillip Keller. When I read this book before, my perspective of God was changed greatly in a time of desperate need of restoration and rescue. So here I begin again, in hopes of seeing my Father in a new and fresh way in this treasured passage of scripture.

Tonight I was focusing on the first verse “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.” I love the relationship between the sheep and the shepherd. I am excited to be reminded of that. My Bible pointed me towards another verse tonight- Isaiah 40:11 “He tends to his flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart…” I want to be reminded of that love and attention and delight that the Lord has for me, His lamb who is close to His heart. Too easy it is for me to think how FAR I feel from God. I pray that even in the moments when I feel disconnected or frustrated or disappointed or lonely or sad- that I can think of being carried close to God’s heart. I want to remember the love that God has for me and the love that I have for Him. Because I look at my behavior- things that excite me, the things I fill my time with, the things that I fight for– they all lead back to LOVE. I desire to feel loved, deeply and intimately. This is way I am easily distracted by the Twilight books. I am fascinated by a deep, indescribable love that rocks my world. I continue to search in the wrong places, yet I still hear and feel God still voice calling out to me, desiring me to be close to his heart. That is were i find my deep indescribable love.

Tired Vessel November 26, 2008

Ok, I’m writing for a 2nd time in one week. This is incredible improvement from my not writing for 2 months or whatever. Someone should give me a cookie as positive reinforcement.

Today was a rough day. I actually didn’t sleep for 1 minute last night and had to be up at 5:15am to get ready for work. I had a “decaf” latte at Starbucks last night and I’m pretty sure the evidence shows it was NOT decaf. Anyway. After not sleeping and getting myself so worked up about it, I made myself sick and was planning on staying home from work but then decided to try and push myself through the nausea and go to work. It was hard and by 10:30am, I thought I might die from lack of sleep. (ok, i’m being dramatic but I felt like that).  So I rode the bus home which was the longest bus ride ever because I kept falling asleep and a bump in the road would startle me awake or my head would whip around. Anyway. I crashed in my wonderous bed for a few hours. I had an appointment in the early evening which was going to take a 40 minute bus ride. Let me tell you- getting up from my nap was awful and I had the most sour of moods. The attitude within my heart and coming from my mouth was disgusting. Yet God continues to show me that his love is good and enough for me. Sometimes, well most times,  i forget. Yet, as I rode the bus, I got to see the most beautiful sunset with pinks and purples and blues and white whispy clouds and cold fresh air. It all sat along the tops of the mountains. BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!! I teared up a little just thinking about how God must really love me despite all my ugly to share with me something so beautiful. I was reminded of how as a younger girl, I always wanted to live in a place where I could wake up and see the mountains. Well, I can see them in the mornings while I ride the bus as the sun rises. Who knew that God would satisfy the smallest of wishes or dreams. God is good and faithful and loving, even to me.

I am the daughter of the Most High King. I am loved. I am treasured. I am delighted in. I am forgiven. I am significant. I am a saint. I am loved.

Father Time steals our days like a thief November 24, 2008

Time keeps on flying by. Sometimes I have these brief moments where I stop and breathe and I realize that I actually live in Seattle. I think I forget sometimes. Yet, there is sooo much that is continually happening that makes me realize how purposed it is that we’re all here.

For a long time I’ve been struggling with work. I struggle with feeling content, with allowing God to use me, with being joyful in daily living. I struggle. I cry and I struggle. I have a hard time seeing my work as ministry. I can’t see purpose only struggle and bad and frustration and stress. Yet, God is continuing to work on my heart and in my life. Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me.

Lately I’ve been having AMAZING conversations with people. Its so weird because I don’t even initiate them. It all stems from people wanting a better explanation of why i moved here. Then these God filled, spiritual, deep conversations flow and they’re so easy. I don’t even understand it sometimes.

last week, i had this great conversation with a co-worker about spirituality. It was very interesting but sadly interupted with work things. But, i know that conversation is not done especially since my co-worker’s last statement was- “I used to be religious once, for a short time.” He’s begging for me to ask about it. I just know it.

Anyway. The holiday season has begun for Target. Tomorrow i work 3:30 to 12:00am. which is crazy but with later hours, I have to work later. So pray that I can somehow manage rides and what not from work. Since that late at night is some what sketchy.

Though, this past weekend, I took a self defense class which has left me feeling very empowered. I pray that I never have to use the techniques and skills learned in this class but thank God that I know something to defend myself. My mother would be so proud.

One of my most recent discoveries about myself: I really enjoy the early morning quietness. Right now, I enjoy sleep too much to actually choose to wake up early and enjoy that quiet unless I’m on my way to work. Yet, i think when I’m older, I’ll be one of those old ladies that takes walk early in the morning. I just love it. I feel like I’m still half asleep enough for my mind to be blank enough that just breathing in and out is enough. Or listening to my ipod and staring at the sunrise just at the tops of the mountains off in the distance and I just praise Jesus for life and music and beauty and friends and laughter. My mind is so empty and peaceful. I love it. Lately,I’ve been listening to Jon Foreman in the morning. His music is good and quiet enough that I still can be mellow in my morning half asleepness.

“The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you’ve found

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong”   — Jon Foreman “Your Love is Strong.”

“The thing about life is that it is daily…” August 17, 2008

 

“The thing about life is that it is daily.” Casey Ties said this to me a little while ago and every time I think of it, I laugh. outloud.

Life is daily and I guess so far that has been what life here is about. Its about daily things that add to the transition and familiarity of this place, making it more and more like home and less and less like a summer vacation.

I spend a lot of time at work. I’m scheduled 40 hours aweek. So much of my time is at Target or trying to rest. I feel so out of practice of this job, the standing for 8 hours a day is wearing me out a little bit. There is just a general feeling of lethargy, of which I’m not a huge fan.

The weather has been hot here the last few days. I haven’t enjoyed that, luckily most nights, it cools down. When it hits 90 degrees here though, everyone is freaking out. it usually isn’t this hot. At work, it feels like everyone rushes in begging for the location of air conditioners or fans. Its my understanding that most places don’t have AC because it doesn’t get hot enough for that.

Spiritually— its evident that God is at work. Today we had the opportunity to attend Mars Hill Ballard Campus. It was good. It was a great service with a sermon I needed to hear. One of my favorite things that God does, well that makes me laugh because I realize what a dink I am… God blows me out of the water with scripture that I think can’t speak to me. The store of Jonah for instance. I’m so used that story. I’ve allowed my heart to harden in a sense that I don’t really think that God can speak to me through scripture that feels too familiar. How wrong am I. It makes me laugh because I’m an idiot some days.

God spoke loudly today about things in my life that He desires to remove or repair and restore. Some thoughts that just hit me hard today…

* Jonah was being so foolish. He was running from the call God gave him to go to Ninevah. First of all, where did he think he was going to run to, to get away from God’s voice. He knew he couldn’t. Yet he still tried. It was as if Jonah was trying to get away from the feeling of God’s presence, so then he wouldn’t have to be obedient to God’s call.  Soon Jonah finds himself in the whale’s belly feeling totally seperated from God. The pastor today mentioned that sometimes God gives us exactly what we want— like Jonah wanted to run from the presence of God and found himself in that belly of hell seperated from God. interesting… this causes my mind to spin.

Ok, that’s all I’ll share for now. God is good. i believe He has me. This journey continues… its daily….

FINALLY! July 29, 2008

It’s hard to know where to begin. I want you to understand each and every step of this whole transition but deep down know that is impossible. I guess I’m kicking myself for not having written earlier because there is so much to tell. When I wait for the bus usually I think about what I would write in my blog, which is sort of weird but there are just things that I think may be relevant to share.

Well, the trip out here was awesome. It was hard starting out with all the goodbyes. I’ve never been a fan of those things. But I praise God for that because I’m glad that I’ve had the chance to love others so deeply and love a place so much that it makes it hard to leave it.

The drive out here was great.  I was blessed enough where I would get to stare for 10 hours a day rather than drive. I actually didn’t drive until the last 3 hours of the whole trip, not that I didn’t offer, because I did. I thought a lot. Had good conversation. Sang. Slept. Stared. It was a good trip.

I guess if I had to pick a favorite part… well, that’s nearly impossible but I pick a time that was one of the greatest memories. It was while we were in Idaho with the Carpenter family. It was such a blessing to spend the 4^th with them. Idaho was just fantastic in general but it was a great 4^th of July.

Well, I started work on the 10^th. Its been a difficult transition into this store. The number of people that I encounter is far beyond Winona and even the holiday busyness. It’s insane. So that first week of work was rough. I’ve been staying at a friend’s house in Greenlake while the rest of the group was in Gig Harbor. I was just conquering a lot in such a short time. Starting to ride the bus; starting a new job. Moving to a new place. I was incredibly overwhelmed. I’m starting to adjust which is good but I also don’t want to get stuck in a rut of mundane. It also helps that we (the girls) now have our own house.

The house is in Bitterlake, which is still in Seattle. It’s in between Northgate and Shoreline, if you care to look at a map. The house is spacious and big. With a deck, a porch just outside my room… 3.5 bathrooms. It works out very nicely. I’ve just spent the last few days setting up my room. Maybe a few days and a few more $, I’ll be golden.

God is so good. I’m actually kind of tearing up as I think about it. I’m so thankful that I’m not in this alone. I have not been abandoned. Even as I sit looking at job postings, I keep reminding myself that God is on my side who can be against me.

Pray for me. That God would provide for my path. Pray that God would provide employment that will allow me to work Monday through Friday instead of this weird schedule. Pray so hard! Please. I so desperately want a better schedule. 

Pray for our Team. The Z’s are getting ready for baby. The Carps are waiting for house signing. The guys and ladies are looking for jobs/ going to interviews. The Campbells are driving across the country. SO much is happening! Its all happening! This is real and this is awesome.

Please Pray!